Self-Care is a Privilege, NOT an Entitlement, for Trauma Therapists

Unpopular Opinion, I know…

If you're anything like me, you loathe the term Self-Care and yet you’re told almost every day that you need it, you should be doing it, and deep down you do know that it’s necessary.

One problem with this term is that it’s been so overused that it sadly has lost its value and importance. It is also often weaponized against us as trauma therapists - “if you were taking care of yourself you wouldn’t be burned out!”

Well, I don’t know about you, but any time I see a post about self-care, it doesn't exactly inspire me to take care of myself. What usually happens is a cynical laugh that protects me from how very unseen I feel.

Taming vicarious trauma does require self-care

That’s the trickiest part! And as I’m sure you know, while it’s necessary, self-care in and of itself is not sufficient.

Other things that must be acknowledged are the ways internalized oppression makes us believe that taking care of ourselves is selfish.

We have to speak to the shame we feel when we DON'T always (or even sometimes) do the things we tell our clients to do.

We must respect the limited time we have each day, and the overwhelming complexity we feel trying to piece our needs into that puzzle.

This blog post is NOT going to tell you how to engage in self-care or even how helpful it is.

I know you know that.

Instead, I want to reframe the concept of self-care so we can look at it through a new lens.

Self-Care is a Privilege We Have, Not an Entitlement We are Owed

Starting in grad school, I was often told that I deserved self-care. Even though I got these messages, there was never a realistic way to do the self-care to which I was supposedly entitled.

Then, I became part of the problem - tacking on the self-care slides to the end of presentations, expecting that to be enough to get trauma therapists to give themselves well-deserved R&R.

I even did it in supervision with my trainees.

You know the problem with looking at self-care as an entitlement rather than a privilege? 

When we believe we’re entitled to something, we don’t put in the work to get it.

Then, we fall into patterns of not taking care of our needs BECAUSE we’re expected to!

For me, this leads to my super power of avoiding VT by numbing out, whether through social media and Netflix, isolating, or through the “harmless” drink at the end of the day.

So now what - why am I telling you all this?

We Must Redefine Self-Care

The thing that helped to get me out of the "I'm not walking the walk" shame spiral was redefining what self-care means for me (not for you or anyone else because we all need different things).

Once I started to redefine what self-care looks like in my daily life, I felt much less shame, and I was able to accurately label the things I was doing to take care of myself.

This started out super basic -

• OK, Jenny, did you brush your teeth today? ✅

• Did you eat breakfast? ✅

• Did you give or receive a hug? ✅

By meeting my basic daily needs, and giving myself credit for that, I could start to see what Laura van Dernoot Lipsky calls "the privilege, not entitlement" of self-care.

This phrase speaks to me because engaging in self-care requires time and other resources (privilege), and yet we are not entitled to it simply because we are trauma therapists.

It takes courage to care for ourselves - to label ADLs as self-care, to carve out or reallocate time for self-care, to receive while we give.

And, it is a great privilege to care for our bodies, minds, and souls.

Next Steps

This week, I challenge you to notice the privilege you have in the acts of self-care that are already in your life.

Approach this like a gratitude practice - document all the small things you did to take care of yourself every single day this week

You can do this by keeping a running list through the day (combed hair ✅, took a walk ✅) or by reflecting at the end of each day.

The goal of this is not to change anything this week. Rather, I want you to look at your routines from a different perspective to give yourself credit for the privileges you already have in taking care of yourself.

Then, hop in the Facebook group and share your small moments of self-care with our community. 

The more we normalize self-care as a privilege and acknowledge the power in small acts of caring for ourselves, the better off we will be individually and collectively.

And P.S. - I am on a mission to find a new term to replace self-care. Reach out if you have any ideas for me.

Let’s redefine self-care already!